Okay, Thea Queen. Real Talk.

I’m gonna put on my Momma Flea hat. It’s tiny and has horn like a narwhal that speaks truth. Gather these diamonds, girl. I know you think you’re in luurve, but lady…

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I am only through the third ep of season 2, but I see a pattern here with you, lil miss, and I am disturbed. Simply put, this is not boyfriend material:

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I’m sure he shakes you all night long, but sweetie, that’s not the only consideration here. Not only do you bang him, you tell him he is your whole world, you bail him out of jail and pay for his lawyer (repeatedly) and you give him the precious precious rock that your brother gave you.

Regifting is just tacky. Don’t be tacky.

The sad thing is, you know this. You have tried holding his paycheck, his happytimes in your ladyplace, threats, crying and just…no. Honey, no. When you meet a dude and he tells you this:

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You place that pearl of wisdom in your bitch tiara and you chant “I’m hot, I’m rich, and I can do better.”

Use that money for a newer, cuter purse and LOVE YOURSELF GURL. I made you a wallet-size so you can remember this.

Real talk.

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Arrow S2 E2 photo recap, y’all

Inspired by mah gurl OzgeB on tv.com and her hilarious photo recaps of Penny Dreadful, I decided to attempt one for Arrow. I can’t promise every ep, just the ones that tickle me because my life is all about amusing myself. Once I started watching “identity”, I knew we had a winner.

First, we open on Ollie doing algebra. Just kidding. No one has time for that. Our hero is doing what he does best. This is already a fine episode, and I mean fine.

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He’s all broody and stuff, and the only cure for that is sweat. I dig. However bad he has it is nothing compared to these guys, though.

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If anyone ever offered me a job driving a delivery truck in Starling City I would stuff their tongue in my armpit and punch them in the nads. They obviously hate me. As for the name, I named these dudes. They are Marty and Hank. They love each other in a totally platonic way, but they, like most lovers on this show, are about to get dicked over by fate because this is Arrow and bad things happen. A lot.

Roy is still rocking the red hoodie (he’s poor, y’all) trying to impersonate his hero and be a hero not a zero when, once again, fate smacks him in the forehead.

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Try again later, buddy. You’re not going to win against this. I mean, look at those luscious locks. She’s like Farah Fawcett. China White’s wig is probably bulletproof and made from baby unicorns.

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No way she wasn’t going to slaughter the people and take the things. Roy never stood a chance, but at least he is trying. Ollie is at Verdant, being crushed by ennui and wondering about life while Diggle is coating the entire room in butter with his smooth smooth gaze.

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Never change, Diggle.

Thea gets a call that her loser boyfriend got picked up for baby vigilantism again and everyone takes a field trip to save Roy from another painful scene with Laurel. The rest of us are not so lucky, and we have to put up with Roy’s pouting and the least believable lawyer in the history of television.

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Thea is like WTF and Roy is like OMG and Laurel is like OMFG Ollie talk to him so Ollie tries the “Hey kid, I’m just like you” line on him except Roy is like, no way asshole, which leads to this bit of awesomeness:

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Tee hee, I love Roy’s face here. Ollie tells him that he knows that he feels like the world changed and no one but him noticed and it seems like he is making headway, until the shitty teen in Roy reasserts itself and he seizes on Oliver’s advice that he’ll end up in a hospital to point out that Glades Memorial is a hot mess since the earthquake, with its resources diverted and sold on the black market and no one cares except him. When Ollie smirks faintly at having found his next cause, Roy snarks that nothing makes him mad, which serves as our segue way  into another island scene where yes, Oliver ANGRY. OLIVER SMASH.

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Yes, yes. These bore me. Moving on. He and Diggle go to the hospital to check it out, and stumble upon a press conference by Alderman Sebastian Blood, who is sick of people putting The Glades in the corner. Glad to see Jesus from True Blood got another gig.

He calls Oliver out in front of the press and although Oliver tries to side with him, he makes him into the enemy right quick, saying that his family made the machine that killed >500 people. Party foul, Jesus-I mean Blood.

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Oliver has a sad, and you know this because he buttons his jacket with a pout and gets ready for a strategic retreat, but the mob of like, six people hates him and breaks the window of his car and stuff.

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People are assholes, guys.

Oliver retreats to Queen Int., only to find a different sort of heckler. Oliver has decided Felicity’s secret persona should be his assistant, but Felicity is not having it. She worked hard to get where she is, damn it. She’s not going to be Ollie’s “gal Wednesday” just so he doesn’t have to ride the elevator 18 floors down. She follows him from the elevator to his desk, and she manages some quick pokes on the way. Who can blame her?

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That last part may have only happened in my mind. As usual, she says the right thing the wrong way and when Oliver points out they need a cover for they way the “spend their nights”, she admits she loves spending her nights with him and has to do a vocal reset. Oliver’s eye roll at Diggle is priceless here. He’s probably exasperated, but in my mind he is mentally hitting it. She doesn’t want his secret identity, Diggle hilariously comments that it is better than his (“black driver”) and then proceeds to mouthfornicate with a piece of chocolate. Bravo, Arrow writers.

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In any case Felicity asks if Ollie if he wants coffee so she can tell him she is never getting it for him, and he retaliates by asking her to make reservations for himself, Diggle and Carly, which he can’t do for himself because the internet is all the way over there. Felicity asks Diggle if he has not told Ollie “yet”, and Diggle tells her he hasn’t said anything because Ollie has “a lot on this mind.”

Meanwhile, A local TV anchor uses an 80s pop reference to shame our hero:

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Love that song. Call him Mr. Queen if you’re nasty. This predictably launches Oliver into another flashback. He is washing his hands in the river after BLAH BLAH ying yang hero BLAH villain BLAH. Then they bang and I am jealous. I wish there were never any flashbacks.

Felicity tells Oliver about a shipment of opiates leaving in 20 that the motorcycle gang intends to intercept, and he goes to save the day. All goes well until China White pops back up with a shit-eating grin and a scary sidekick, the Bronze Tiger.

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This is what he said almost verbatim, you guys. They fight while China White drives off with the truck and like everything else she touches, Laurel arrives with the cops and ruins everything. BT escapes, Oliver is shot in the leg right above his ankle but some over-excitable cop and the whole thing falls apart.

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Fuck you, Laurel. Oliver escapes, but it’s close.

Oliver is sewing up his foot and grumbling about how the police got in his way when Diggle brings up that Laurel is currently leading the charge. Ollie breaks and yells that he can’t do good as himself or the vigilante, and Felicity lets him have it. She tells him he isn’t the only one whose romantic life has taken a beating. Diggle and Carly broke up. Diggle is still obsessed with Deadshot, and he couldn’t keep the relationship going. He tells Oliver that he isn’t the only one trying to reconcile two parts of himself and walks out. Oliver turns, chagrined, towards Felicity, but she has had it with him as well, and walks out.

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I love that she knows when to put him in his place.

At Verdant, another Queen sibling has hit a limit. Thea tells Roy that she won’t change him, but offers him a choice. Reconnect with her, or two weeks’ severance, because she won’t watch him get hurt or worse. Roy misses the point entirely, because Roy is awful.

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Back at Queen, Sebby Blood and Ollie meet and agree to have a benefit to raise awareness and money for Glades Memorial. Ollie asks Felicity to bring them coffee but she alleges the machine was violently broken. Blood apologizes for what happened outside the hospital. Good times.

Flashback: Slade catches Ollie and Shado in the afterglow, and he  warns him that Shado is a distraction. Ollie says she is the one thing that doesn’t suck about the island, but he should know by now that this means she’s probably good as dead. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT THE ISLAND.

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Because any time he says he doesn’t care about Laurel is a lie, Oliver gets suited up and goes to ask her why she doesn’t believe he is a force for good anymore. Turns out she saw him leave the building after Tommy’s death and thinks he didn’t save him. She promises to see him jailed and unmasked, and his hood looks crushed by tears.

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Later on she shows up at the hospital benefit and gets creepy hit-on by Alderman Blood, and Ollie fails to show since the next drug shipment is on its way and he had to pick a cause. Blood uses this opportunity to make him sound like he doesn’t care about the city. It is a PR disaster, Laurel does nothing, and it is interspersed with cuts of Ollie getting dressed and the cops saying they have intel on the hood moving. This needs more pecs.

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Laurel doesn’t take the mic and stick up for her friend or do anything because SHE IS THE WORST. Ollie is stuck fighting a three way battle with China White and Bronze Tiger for the meds, but at least the cops are off his tail. They are looking at video feed of the Arrow at their location, but he isn’t there. When they notice the feed is pre-quake, they wonder who could be feeding it to them. Answer?

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BLAM!

Diggle is also helping, knocking out a gang member who was going to drive the truck away and evening out the odds for Team Arrow. He fights off China White as he drives away, while Ollie takes his chances in an old storage container with the Bronze Tiger, who is cutting him up fierce. Ollie electrocutes him with an arrow, and proceeds to shoot China White’s crossed arms to a post. He tells Diggle that the police can take the shipment the rest of the the way and China White taunts him, saying that the old Arrow would have killed her by now. She tells him that no matter what he does, they will never see him as a hero, only the villain. This is all meant to be very deep but all I can think about is that poor Diggle has no secret identity. His mask is off and Ollie has been screaming “Diggle” at the top of his lungs the entire time.

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Ollie, you dummy.

Later on they watched news coverage of her arrest and Ollie apologized to Diggle for not seeing that his heart had been broken. Diggle said not everything that happened in Starling City was Ollie’s fault. They made sweet eye love until Diggle called things off because his hug sensors were going off. I loved it so much.

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DAMN IT THE FEELS.

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Just like that. Their bromance gives me life, but I was not done feeling yet. Diggle leaves and Ollie’s attention once again goes to the TV, where Alderman Blood is saying that his no-show demonstrates that he does not care about the city. Ollie’s face here makes me want to slap the Alderman with a raw chicken.

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Ollie can’t catch a break….

…and then he does.

You guys. Please. Join me in feeling all the feels.

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Just this once, because Felicity ain’t no a hollaback girl.

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HIS FACE.

Later on, Ollie visits Roy in the alley behind the club and asks him to be his eyes and ears in the Glades. He gives a him something between a necklace and a key chain to contact him. Roy promptly goes in and lies to Thea and says he chooses to be with her. Thea’s damage on a scale of 1-10 is a 39, so she takes him back no questions. Roy, you asshole.

BLAH BLAH MORE ISLAND STUFF I DON’T CARE.

Speaking of assholes, Ollie goes back to see Laurel and although an excellent marksman, he is shit at reading people because no means no and when someone threatens you with jail it means she hates you now. Deal with it, dude.

In any case it’s a trap and he falls for it because Laurel is the worst, you guys.

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I hate her so much.

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Just started watching Arrow, and I have a (lady)bone(r) to pick.

So because I need to ignore my husband and kids even more than I do and I am a comic book nerd at heart, I used part of my vacation to speed through S1 of Arrow with the kind of singlemindedness I usually deploy when in search of pasta. It was a slow build, but at some point near the end of Season 1 I started to really, passionately, aggressively despise seeing Laurel on-screen. No shade to Katie Cassidy, who is a stone cold fox, but jesucristo en un palo, she bores me like she went to pretend law school for it.

Then I discovered Felicity, who IMHO is so kick ass she should get her own show where she just bangs her way through every man on this show and solves crime and says inappropriate shit and blinks, because one blink from Emily Bett Rickards tells me more than an entire Laurel monologue. Frankly, Felicity is a bit too good for Oliver, who so far engages in relationships and coitus the way a blind cat stumbles off a kitchen counter.

In short, fuck you Oliver. Stop wasting my time and bang your computer geek. Felicity, girl, come hang with me.

I’m sure someone’s opinion differs from mine, but you haters can step over here to my left.

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