I don’t know about y’all, but I need to have my portrait done by the individual responsible for capturing the Lindsay-Buckingham-level hippie-hotness and general IDGAF-ness of the Dunbonnet. Put that portrait on my grave. Staple it over my wedding photo. I want someone to capture me being that aggressively detached about anything, but instead here I am, writing another novella-length recap of a show that makes me cry like I’m watering a face-garden.
I’m not the only one involved in an unhealthy relationship right now. The main three characters are all in a holding pattern which two of them will break, only one by choice. Also, as advertised, there is a lot of sex, and all of it is sadder than that which preceded it. I’m going to write the publicity department a strongly-worded letter. I was sold a false bill of goods, damn it! Here’s a visual:
Have you been too happy lately? Face hurt from smiling? Did you find that the Droughtlander was finally long enough that you remembered your kids, started reading books other than Voyager and finally quit re-watching Outlander S2? Are you feeling like maybe your kids aren’t as fascinating as wondering about the print shop scene?
Starz has the cure. A new teaser trailer for Season 3 dropped a week ago, and with it, an opportunity for me to procrastinate indulge in shenanigans.
Let’s get to it.
We begin by briefly revisiting Jamie and Claire’s angst-ridden goodbye from the S2 finale, just in case you didn’t remember how sh*tty that was. This also serves as foreshadowing so you know in advance that it doesn’t take a great production an hour to make you into a sobbing pile of used tissues and turn your previous playful humor dark as the Batcave. We’re getting it done in under 30 seconds.
The next image flashes by, but is a gut-punch all the same: the aftermath of the battle of Culloden. A literal and figurative dark night of the soul, and a reminder of just how awful we can be to each other in the name of a principle.
At its center, Jamie. Sad, blue, and probably suffering hypothermia and raging blood poisoning.
Jamie’s voice-over, which runs the entire length of the clip, is this pared-down and restructured novel quote from e213:
“I have lied, killed, and broken trust. But when I stand before God, I’ll have one thing to say to weigh against all the rest. Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God! I loved her well.”
This is followed by two brief glimpses. One of Lallybroch in what looks like summer…
…and one of a serious, pale Jamie, dressed in breeches, riding a horse through the woods. He looks ghostlike in the mist, his features sharp and drawn.
And last in this series, the Selznick-technicolor-like shot of Jamie in the thick of battle at Culloden field, his attention caught by something we can’t yet see. Despite his obvious exhaustion and what is going on around him, he is as brilliantly rendered as a medieval saint, beautiful and stoic as any martyr.
Hopping forward to the 1960s, Claire is sitting in perhaps a doctor’s lounge with what looks like a poinsettia pin on, seemingly staring at something on maybe a television along with her fellow staff.
Depending on the month and year (Claire’s hair doesn’t show the grey streak but is already in the 1968 pompadour), it could be this, this or heck, maybe the grey is just hard to see and it’s maybe even this.
Then some more flashes of Claire’s life sans Jamie. The happy parts, like Bree graduating high school…
…and the sad parts, like forgetting that she no longer has an all-access pass to the Ginger Roller Coaster at FraserWorld.
Back to post-Culloden Jamie, who is also Very Sad and is wandering around the countryside, petting Scotland like it’s a giant cat and looking like Highland Kurt Cobain.
Then, a brief flash of the [OMG BOOK SPOILER] Fraser kids, 16-year old Bree with Frank and Claire at the world’s saddest teen birthday…
…and what I am assuming is little William Ransom, launching himself at Mac the stable groom (aka JAMMF).
UGH THE HEARTBREAK. If there is anything Heughan excels at, it’s letting his face crumple from neutral to devastated, and I look forward to feeling my own face fall in helpless sympathy.
As we draw to the end, a frightened Claire runs down a hospital hallway in her scrubs…
…and a determined Jamie, shooting a man point-blank.
Finally, as the final two lines of Jamie’s voiceover play (”I’ll find you. I promise.”), a bedraggled, wild-eyed Jamie stumbles through some ruins while looking for the Frenchman’s gold and a white witch, shouting Claire’s name.
I wasn’t going to recap this, and then I got rolled over by a bunch of tweeps who knew my weakness: Tobias Menzies breathing oxygen. Sure enough, I checked it out and he it started speaking to me.
Still, I fought it because usually Wednesdays are my nights to drink wine until everything is pleasantly fuzzy, and I really value my me-time. But then THIS HAPPENED. This was Tobias’ reaction to the term “Droughtlander,” and it was so awesome Starz had to add subtitles so no one felt left out of its warm glow. Rain has nothing to do with it. Anyone on Twitter knows this man’s sense of humor is as fine as an perfectly aged cheese. He can’t help the cheek.
I have no defense against the dimples, so here we go. Let’s hit these last 9 weeks running, shall we?
Over some scenes of stuff we’ve seen before comes some documentation of the accolades the show has received during hiatus, and this is nothing, folks. In the sexual parlance of my HS years, this just the tip. The best is still to come!
Outlander fans are ON IT. And under it, and probably hiding in its trunk. But LOVINGLY. So where did we leave off again?
Ah. Right. These kids here. Sticky wicket. But it gets better, right? RIGHT?
Uh-oh. I mean sure, bad things happen in a drama, but nothing DIRE, right?
WHAT HAPPENS? Sweet gelatin dessert, is there a Yeti? Is her husband naked? The Yellow King? What exactly are we talking about? Am I about to be Ned Stark’d? DON’T NED STARK ME.
Excellent. Married sexytimes is the mayo in my Outlander sandwich. Nobody wants a dry sandwich.
Been there, girl.
Another brief bit from Caitriona, where she tells us that we’re going to love seeing how they “stay together, not just get together.” That’s nice. Not enough shows explore the reality of a long-term marriage between time travelers and gingers.
This all looks in order.
Brief appearance by Ron, who comments, “It’s going to be dark,” and I wonder if this means more nighttime scenes by candlelight but the next frame makes what he’s referring to pretty obvious.
I am DEFINITELY NOT looking forward to these scenes. God bless Tobias and his ability to creep me out. Sam describes the Jack-Jamie relationship as one of a sort of “strange, twisted respect.” Not sure Aretha would agree.
Ron’s back to tell us that the back half is all about resolutions, and delving into the political aspects of the Jacobite rebellion, including what it means to the Mackenzie brothers. And Claire and Geillis will also be featured.
And we meet Jamie’s sister Jenny, an eleven on the Sass-meter and more evidence that the Fraser gene pool is worth its weight in gold.
And her sweetie husband, Ian.
We see Jenny briefly chastise Jamie and Claire for thinking that “life started when [they] walked though that door”, but I think they make up later because at some point they Thelma and Louise it like pros.
Ron mentions that the final episodes will go in an unexpected direction, and Cait advises us to “have a cushion ready to hide behind”, but I would advise you to fill that that cushion with alcohol, because really, unexpected would be a musical featuring My Little Ponies. That train of thought led here:
But as much as I try to cheer myself up with the usual nonsense, it’s clear this next block of episodes is going to be a tough one.
But oh look, it’s one of my favorite people, back to use one of my favorite weapons: common sense and a sexy knee-high boot.
God, Tobias, you’re right. I don’t really have a leg to stand on here. I mean, I am recapping a promo for crying out loud.
So I ignore Sam telling me that it gets “much much darker” and the quick clips that look dicey, and focus instead on the lovely quotes from industry insiders. If I start seeing subliminal messages in them, I’m sure it’s my imagination.
I can almost convince myself that it’ll be okay, and then some foreshadowing. “These are dangerous times,” Jamie advises Claire, “Be careful.”
Oh Jamie, it’s like you don’t even know the woman you married in haste!
I guess I should resign myself to the inevitable. Hopefully you will all excuse me when my recaps devolve into Mary J. Blige songs and pictures of baby hedgehogs. Because it doesn’t look so happy going forward.
Man, I REALLY want to know what that table setting did to piss Dougal off. COME ON APRIL.
At the end of the day, my relationship with Outlander is like Jack and Jamie’s. I know it will potentially scar me for life, but I gotta go there. Who knows? Maybe my gag reflex is stronger than I think.
Thanks for reading!
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