I knew I was supposed to write another recap before this one but the last one wasn’t that commented on and I got caught up in the story and I fell straight down the rabbit hole to this finale. I can’t stop talking to myself, and that is an excellent sign for this recap. I will definitely try these during S3.
In case you didn’t know, I am doing these AS I watch, first viewing, so all my reactions are real-time. On to the show-
Shit is going DOWN, you guys. Know how I know?
Felicity’s ponytail is TORE UP, and our girl never lets herself be seen in public with a pelt less smooth than an otter’s. The situation is dire indeed. Slade has the city looking like the flashbacks in Terminator, Team Arrow is holed up in the clock tower, the Mirakuru antidote seems to made out of Kool-Aid and Thea shot Malcolm because she probably realized that she is the least pretty Merlyn.
I bet you think things can’t get worse, right?
Haha, you are so cute.
At least we find out the antidote works, cause Roy proves once again he has impeccable timing and that his hair gel is legendary (Felicity girl, switch brands, he’s spent like a week unconscious and his hair hasn’t moved) by waking up, punching the first goon and promptly giving himself a boo-boo. Yay for the scientific method!
Ollie shoots an arrow with a zipline and Roy and Diggle go right for it, but Felicity waits until he comes with her, which immediately cued the 80s chorus in my head—
You take that girl, O. You TAKE HER AND GRAB HER AND TAKE HER.
The masks try to jump out after them, but before they can, this happens:
Courtesy of who? One badass bitch, that’s who.
Diggle would tap that right now if she wasn’t in a helicopter. Wookit dat face.
They might be fine, but the rest of the city is going to hell in an arrow quiver. Fires, panic, babies smoking cigars and of course, looting.
God, people suck.
Also, Arrow HQ has been “compromised”, which means it’s been beat down worse than Roy’s poverty. See?
Ollie asks Lyla, who came back to Starling City despite the risk for John’s sake, to stop Amanda and A.R.G.U.S. from leveling the city, or at the least buy them time. He tells the rest of the team to gather as many of the injection arrows as they can find and fill them with the cure.
Meanwhile, Thea is not as shocked as she should be for someone who shot her father/not-father in the chest. At least her outfit is darling and unlike the other characters in crisis, her hair is flawless. Must still have some of Roy’s gel in it.That stuff’ll be around after Ragnarok. Just his gel and the roaches.
She starts walking away and hears a noise, because no one is trying to leave town via the train, sure, we’ll go with that and ….oh lookie!
Malcolm was wearing kevlar and he is obnoxiously proud that Thea pulled the trigger when Tommy could not. He tells her she is “made of iron” and she is all “You’re crazy” and he is all “Possible” and she walks off and even if I should find this creepier than I do, John Barrowman is just a treasure and everything he does brings me joy.
Back at the precinct, Officer Lance is once more Detective Lance having received a crisis upgrade, and he and Laurel are together while he pep talks a group of officers into going out and doing the damn thing. It’s a nice moment where he tells them that if they weren’t scared they wouldn’t be human, but to go out and be the heroes he knows they can be. He gets called off and asks Laurel to find Sarah and not leave the precinct, so you know she will totally leave because Laurel does the exact opposite of everything and she sucks balls. I still hate you, Laurel.
Anyhoo, Laurel does find Sarah, talking to a mysterious somebody about how she doesn’t want her “sister involved in this” and then the unknown person shoots a dart into Laurel silencing her and rendering her unconscious because THEY CAN READ MY MIND. Thank you, unnamed shooter.
At Arrow HQ, Roy is helping Felicity fill arrows when she asks him what he remembers. He says that he doesn’t remember anything after trying to leave town and asks if he was out cold the entire time, and Felicity lies to him and replies that yes, he was, because no one has time for his nervous breakdown once he realizes he went on a killing spree.
At the same time, Diggle and Lyla are telling Oliver that they would need “an army” to defeat Slade, and they hear a voice say “I know. Which is why an army is what I’ve brought.”
Least secret lair ever, guys. Just put a sign out front.
Ollie tells Sarah that the League will want payment for this, and she admits that she has already given it: she will go back. She tells Ollie that she will do whatever it takes to keep her loved ones safe, and suggests he do the same. Oliver says he will, but that now that they have the cure, it doesn’t have to be “cold-blooded killing”. To be fair, Ollie, it’s right there in the name. They ain’t called the League of People With Exceptional Moral Compasses. Are you watching the same show as the rest of us? Sarah says, “to fight the unthinkable, you have to be willing to do the unthinkable.” Sounds like a theme, you guys! Nyssa tells Ollie that Slade is using the QC building as his headquarters and he tells her that it’s his way, no killing. Roy asks about Thea and Ollie tells him she was on her way out of the city and is fine. Before they leave, Ollie graduates Roy to his own red mask.
At the station, Thea gets a call from Roy who just wanted to make sure she is okay. He asks her to leave the station and come meet him at his place, and Malcolm says Roy is just another liar like Ollie and her mother. Oh, Malcolm. You gorgeous, manipulative bastard. He invites Thea to go meet him to prove it, and she threatens to shoot him if he follows. Two threats to shoot him in one day? Malcolm’s pride hits an all-time high. He tells her that when she needs him, he’ll be there. Okay, stalker.
At QC, Arrow and Canary battle their way up to the main offices, shooting people with the cure arrows along the way. Boy, I sure hope they use a clean arrow each time. You can give people diseases like that. When they make it to the conference room, this is the sight that greets them.
I guess it’s really time consuming to put those off and back on all the time, not to mention the eye greasepaint at Isabelle putting her hair up and down over and over again… Being a villain is a drag, guys.
Slade snarks that he’s surprised they came alone, and Oliver replies that they’re not alone right in time for Nyssa and the rest of the League of Assassins to crash in through the windows and visit some hellish antidote stabbiness on the room at large. Ollie keeps trying to shoot Slade, but I guess his suit got an upgrade because the arrows bounce off and he pulls an Ollie, ziplining out of the office the same way Nyssa got in.
Isabelle is thrown to her knees by Nyssa, but just as Sarah is about to deliver the killing blow, Ollie stops her. Isabelle says kill her or not, it doesn’t matter because she beat him, she took—- and then Nyssa snaps her neck. She tells Oliver that his resistance to doing what is necessary is why “you are sitting birds.” Ducks everywhere rejoice at being left out of it. Nyssa don’t play. Oliver tells Sarah that he can’t get close enough to Slade to hit him with the cure.
FLASHBACK: On the ship, Slade is injecting and killing men and he has had it. His hallucination of Shado is a total bitch and tells him to kill Ollie and end it, but when he tries to, the ship rocks him off his feet and there is an explosion. Ollie’s time is up, and the ship is set to be bombed and go down.
Back at the station, Det. Lance finds Laurel passed out on the floor and she tells him Sarah left “with that woman”. They are interrupted by a mask, who brushes off his bullets like they are donut crumbs and drags Laurel off. Thank you, mask.
Back at A.R.G.U.S., one of her minions tells Amanda that their drone is locked on Starling City so they can BOOM at will.
Felicity is leading Det. Lance to the QC conference room and he is complaining that Slade has a “hard on” for the Queens (intriguing-someone write that fanfic) and Felicity says it’s a good thing that Oliver and Thea are both out of town. He sees Nyssa and, after Sarah stops him, says he’ll work with anyone who can help him get his daughter back. This is how Team Arrow finds out Slade has Laurel.
Felicity interrupts to tell them that Slade’s men are all gathering at the Giordano Tunnel, probably to eat pizza and gossip. Oliver hates pizza so he tells Nyssa that they need to get her men and stop them. Det. Lance is all, OMG Laurel but Ollie says the city comes first, even though he knows why they took her. Det. Lance is outraged and suggests he take a break from his no-kill rule to kill the shit out of Slade. I’m paraphrasing. Felicity is not okay with this approach.
She hits him with #encouragement and gives him an idea. Let Slade outfox him, instead of the other way around.
At Roy’s, Thea shows up and he apologizes for everything. He tells her he is never losing her again and that she is the only person he has ever cared about. They kiss and I am surprising myself by how much I care. I must be drunk.
She asks him if the Arrow was watching over him and he lies and says he doesn’t know anything about it, wants nothing to do with it and just wants to be with her. She says they can leave together and he agrees, when Felicity texts:
He tells Thea that there is one more thing he needs to take care of before they go and asks him to wait at his place. Thea is tentative, but when he asks her if she trusts him she caves to the power of that jawline and says yes. Rookie mistake, T.
Meanwhile, Oliver takes Felicity, who has brushed her hair but somehow neglected to clean the blood off her forehead, back to the empty Queen mansion and asks, nay TELLS HER to stay. She says no, and he tells her he needs her to be safe and he will come get her when it is all over. I am sure what happened here has been extensively re-blogged, but still. Not my way. Let’s hit the beats like we’re the Supremes:
And he leaves her, along with my saltwater tears and the cramps in my fingers from all these screen caps. You guys, their faces are so precious. I actually basked for a minute before I went back to being a jaded bitch. There’s no kiss, but man. You didn’t really need it. Kudos to Amel and Betts.
Another very spontaneous I love you from John D to Lyla as they prepare to break into A.R.G.U.S. I guess when the world is ending it makes you misty. Inside, it’s 52 minutes to detonation and Amanda can’t get a hold of her Sergeant cause…
Our heroes are here and they are walking in formation, which is the nonverbal cue for villains to start shaking in their face masks. Ollie gives them instructions to let the cure work, no kill shots, and then both sides run at each other, and it is pretty fucking badass.
Back at A.R.G.U.S, we see why Lyla and Dig broke in, and it’s to get help from some very special psychos.
Suicide Squad! Lyla assures them she won’t boom them if they watch it, and Diggle tells them not to drop any bodies, and Deadshot, who gets all the best lines, tells him that he sure does take the fun out of it.
Back to our regularly scheduled prizewinning beat down-
Roy shoots an arrow, Det. Lance saves Nyssa from being killified and we get another Flashbackus Interruptus where we’re back at the sinking ship and in the Darren Aronofsky film that is Oliver’s life, history repeats itself as Sarah is torn away by the rushing water.
Back at Roy’s apartment packing his things, Thea stumbles over a bow and a quiver. Poor Roy is never getting laid again. Similarly frustrated but for a whole ‘nother reason is Amanda. She gave A.R.G.U.S. Staff a very deep-voiced command to fire the drone which is freaking WASTED now that the Suicide Squad shot their way into her command center and pooped her party. Because she is a shitty, shitty human being, she tells Lyla that she is committing treason and outs the proto-human in her oven out to the stunned Daddy-to-be. Diggle’s face, because HIS FACE:
Oh, Diggle. I bet this baby doesn’t even cry. When he or she wants a bottle, they will just stare at you until you cave and hand it over.
Back in the tunnel, Ollie is tired and he wants Slade to give up. Slade connects to his comm unit and he tries to get him to throw in the towel.
But Slade isn’t having it. He put a lot of hours into ruining Oliver’s life, and a little grumbly in the tumbly isn’t going to stop him now.
Slade says he has “the one you love” and Ollie is like, “Wevs dude, I am bored with you and your games” and Slade is like “NO QUITSIES!” Then he delivers this killer little speech as Oliver listens:
So Oliver goes to meet him, and Slade is ranting about how different things would have been if he had just killed Oliver with a sword like he was going to do to the one he loved. He tells Oliver to put down his bow, and when he does so, pulls out his trump card.
Christ on a cracker, Laurel. You ruin everything. You are truly the worst.
Slade continues on in the classic villain monologue, saying he has dreamed of doing to Oliver what was done to him, killing the woman he loves. Oliver asks if he sees Shado, and tells him that the girl he remembers would be horrified at what he has done in her name. Slade says he is fighting for her, and when his love’s blood is “wet on your skin” that Oliver will understand what he feels. Oliver says he already knows what it is to hate, to want revenge, and to be blinded by a danger right in front of you. Then this happens:
That’s right. She cure-stabs him. It was all a ruse and I am so heartbroken I can’t photo recap the images because each one is an RGB arrow through my shipper heart. Suffice to say Oliver saw the cameras in the mansion, correctly assumed he was being bugged and took Felicity there to tell her he loved her so Slade could see it, all while slipping her a syringe at the moment he asked her if she understood. Yeah yeah it’s super smart and I still hate him for how well he faked it.
Back to another flashback, and I don’t even care because the Arrow writers are horrible people who hate me. In a nutshell, as the ship sinks, Slade is caught under some metal and Oliver has the syringe with the cure in one hand, and an arrow in the other. Slade mouths off that he will kill everyone Oliver loves, and Oliver stabs him in the eye with the arrow and leaves him for dead. Ship sinks. WHATEVER.
Back in present time, Oliver fights and beats Slade, the drones get called off and everyone’s safe. Sarah takes off again, Detective Lance is hemorrhaging from internal bleeding and collapses on the wharf with Laurel, WHATEVER. I have stopped caring. This goddamned ‘ship broke my feels.
If Oliver wanted Slade dead, he should have made him ship Olicity.
And non-trusting Thea leaves Roy a Dear Jon letter and leaves to “be strong” and self-actualize with her sociopath non-father that she hated until one day ago because no one gets to be happy. Fucking show. Now I’m empathizing with ROY.
Oliver goes to visit Slade in “purgatory” and give his victory speech and set up his eventual return as a nemesis, and I care only marginally more in that I empathize with Slade, who at least really loved Shado and wasn’t a dirty faker.
Turns out purgatory is an A.R.G.U.S. cell underground, on the island, accessible through a manhole. Maybe it would have been kinder to kill the guy.
Back on the island, Team Arrow muses about what’s next, including getting Queen Consolidated back and figuring out what Oliver can do for a living (hint: take off your shirt). Diggle is THE MAN and so he decides to give Olicity a moment to see if they can mend what is left of my heart in the last two minutes of the show.
GOD DAMN IT.
Anyhoo Ollie knows how to fly a plane because he lied some more and was in Hong Kong and that is where he met Amanda. WHO CARES.
I’ll recap next ep cause that looks AMAZING, but as I watched this I kept being thrown haphazardly into Nirvana by the sheer lusciousness that are River Song’s locks, guys. Yeah sure a bunch of shit went down and Ollie found out about Thea and the Lances found out about Sarah and Nyssa found out her lover also likes dudes and Ofcr. Lance found out his daughter likes chicks, but all that is secondary because Alex Kingston’s hair was OFF THE CHAIN.
It looked good straight, it looked good curly, it looked good kidnapped, it looked good unconscious, it looked good free. That hair was kicking ass and taking names and THAT, Dr. Who Hair and Makeup Team, is how you tame those curls like the glorious wild pony that is Lady Kingston. We schooled you on tea taxation, let us school you here.
Don’t you bring my lady back to S8 Who unless your hair game is ON POINT.
Also, Laurel continues to be the absolute fucking worst, guys. I still hate her. If possible, I hate her more. I hope that those of you that said her plot line gets better are foreshadowing an overdose. #sorrynotsorry
Kiss her, you fool.
So I put out a post asking about which episodes I should recap, and this one and the next were mentioned and I won’t do both, but I was game to try a more serious ep, so this one’s for you, outoftheclosetshipper. If you have any suggestions, put them in comments, please! On with the recap.
We open on a warehouse for good ‘ol QC, which is like the only business in this town and they make everything. There is a thunderstorm and lightning so you know nothing will happen.
One of the doors starts popping open and instead of oh, IDK, running, they stand and face it down and things go like they go for most plebes that aren’t lucky enough to rock a costume in this hizzy:
Sucks to be a red shirt, dude. Enjoy those sweet SAG benefits.
We never see who k.o’d them and we don’t care cause Mommy’s home.
Moira saunters in with clean hair and ready to kick ass, take names, and shower alone. There’s a new pecking order in this hen house, though, and a certain someone who doesn’t need to cuddle after drunk vodka sex with her son is noticeably less than pleased:
Isabelle takes Oliver aside and tells him that he needs to take off his son hat and put on his CEO hat and think of the business, because even though Moira was acquitted by a jury, the city still holds her responsible. Oliver is like “I don’t even wear hats, hoods ftw” and she walks out just as Diggle and Felicity arrive to advise Oliver of the break-in. What did that take, like five hours? Crack security protocols, QC.
Team Arrow heads over the warehouse, where Ofcr. Lance gives them a totally wrong assessment of the events, because he is just a cop, he doesn’t even wear a hood. What the hell does he know form crimefighting, amirite?
Video capture shows just one dude but hey, dinosaurs take a long time to catch up. Just then, a gangly happy dude shows up and he sticks out like Rush Limbaugh at a Pride Parade. HE IS ADORBS, you guys.
LOOKIT THAT PUNIM. He is Barry Allen, from Central City CSI and he comes with his own theme song. So Ollie hates on him and age-shames him.
Barry has a different take. It was one very strong dude. He shows bruising patterns and guesses what was stolen and is overall competent, but that doesn’t stop Oliver from a truly priceless set of reaction shots that are worth capturing for posterity-
Give Amell an Emmy. That last one is right after Felicity, impressed with the big brain on Barry, introduces herself and Arrow no likey. Barry says it’s just “one theory…backed by a lot of evidence.” Lance tells Felicity to get their mutual friend on it and she replies, “Don’t I wish!”. Just kidding. She says he probably already knows on account he is standing right there.
FLASHBACK TIME: Sarah, Shado, Ollie and Slade stumble through doing things and as usual—
I have zero use for these except to note that if Ollie spent all this time with Sarah, he really shouldn’t have looked so surprised when he found out she was alive in Crucible.
Back in present day, Oliver is brooding watching the rain instead of working and Felicity shows him footage of the one very big dude carrying the centrifuge out of the QC warehouse. Barry wanders in and asks to set up cause Felicity told him he could, makes an adorable joke and this is the reaction from Olicity:
Oliver agrees that he can join the investigation because Felicity doesn’t specialize in forensics, but it also doesn’t hurt that she asked him super-cute.
Diggle has a feeling that Oliver isn’t saying all he knows, and of course he is right because Diggle is a goddamned genius at reading people and Ollie lies ALL THE DAMNED TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING. If Ollie ever tells you he has a condom, assume you’re going to be a mom.
At Casa Queen, Moira gets picked last for all teams and Oliver offers to fix it with a big party, because Oliver has never met anything he couldn’t fix with a party. Thea stops by and leaves and this scene is entirely purposeless except for hey, PAR-TAY.
Back QC, Barry be experimentin’ like a G. He and Felicity are as cute as bunnies in puppy suits.
Until he starts asking about the vigilante. He heard that he saved Felicity and the starts spouting off about his green costume being an homage to where he trained and his arrows being made of the wrong material for max penetration and once you diss Ollie’s penetration, Felicity ain’t having it.
She asks him why so interested, and he reveals that his mother was murdered when he was 11, and the killer remains at large. Maybe the Arrow could catch him? Oh Barry. Come give us a hug.
In the alley behind verdant, Sin asks Roy for help finding her missing friend. She intimates that she wants him to call Arrow, but Thea misreads it as Roy going to help and invites herself along. Both Sin and Roy obviously would rather get crabs than have her there but she doesn’t notice because she is Thea.Thea, you are Clueless.
None of this matters because this is happening at Rancho Queen where it is yes, raining. You better believe Barrowman wasn’t going to miss out on what lightening does for his profile. Moria’s hair? Still clean.
Malcolm, never change.
Back at the lair, Felicity and Barry have been working hard as THE CUTEST TEAM EVAR to get clues about the thief. He stole a sugar truck and is on the move.
Ollie takes all this in and asks Barry about the similar case he saw in Central City. The reaction shots are once again priceless as Ollie realizes that Barry’s story has some holes in it, especially this one from Diggle-
Ollie asks Diggle to look into what Barry is really here for, and Diggle, once again proving that he is MOTHERFUCKING GOLD say he thinks he knows.
He also insists Ollie is lying again because OBVS and Ollie is not trying to hear it. He goes out in his greenness to stop the thief.
First look at this dude, and he looks just like everyone else in Starling City–and by that I mean he wears a mask and steals trucks. I tried to make him a bit happier looking but he is a total grumposaurus rex.
Arrow catches up to him on his super-sexay motorcycle and the fight is massively one-sided. Ollie punches and kicks and goes through a windshield and stabs him in the leg with an arrow and gets tossed out of the truck into a trash heap and I am not putting any screen grabs of that in because I need to pause and pay my respects to this unexpected gift:
Ooooh yeah. It’s like Carnivale in July.
Ollie comes clean and tells the team that he ran across this super soldier serum on the island, Miracle, created by the evil Dr. Ivo. Diggle (and the rest of us) is righteously like “WTF, another island secret?” and Ollie sets up the island for all sorts of future shenanigans. Five years is long, you guys. That’s senior year HS+All of college. Anything could happen. He tells Felicity that a third component is missing, and asks her to analyze the blood on the arrow to get it. Diggle tells Ollie that Barry is not who he says he is, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS SHOW.
Lots of things happen next that I will gloss over because nothing about them tickles my fancy, like Felicity asking Barry to the Queen party, telling him she is not with Oliver, another island flashback and the whole boring plot with Sin’s missing friend that we already know leads back to the serum, because Come ON ARROW WRITERS, I DID NOT JUST FALL OFF THE SUGAR TRUCK. Of course Alderman Blood is behind this because all Aldermen are evil.
Moving on. Felicity and Barry are back doing what they do best, flirting adorably and solving crime when Ollie comes in to harsh their buzz. The progression here is exquisite.
Barry tells a supersad story about how his dad died and he saw some dude in a blur and no one believes him and apologizes because FYEAH BARRY but still he walks out and tells Felicity to find another +1. Ollie sees Felicity’s face, correctly assumes he done stuck his foot in it and is all “Barry’s pants ARE on fire” but Felicity righteously tells him that if he is a liar, it makes him about the same as everyone else because Felicity SPEAKS TRUTH.
HIS FACE. Oh Ollie. You break everything you love.
This takes us right to said party, where Ollie is supposed to reintroduce his mother to society and stuff. It goes about as expected.
But hey, at least Felicity looks crazy hot and he apologizes and strokes her arm repentantly and he does this for her, which is really quite nice.
Even if he does promise Barry will get carded at the bar. Oh, Ollie. I can’t stay mad atcha. Now take off your shirt and show me how sorry you are.
Party ends, Moira almost tells Thea about Malcolm but doesn’t, and we get another flashback where the island gang find the Miracle serum and debate injecting it into Slade, who is dying anyways. Ollie gets called away from home by Felicity, Barry gets called away back to Center City by his unhappy boss, he almost kisses Felicity goodbye but wusses out, and we confirm that Sin’s friend dies from Miracle when they find his corpse and Roy takes a picture of his bleeding dead eyes cause he is kinky like that.
Felicity in the meantime has i.d.’d the source of the sedative and tells Oliver where to go because NOTHING on this show moves without her say-so, and she very smartly counsels Oliver on the danger of trying to go kill someone who treated your arrow like a mosquito but Oliver is Oliver so he goes anyway.
Never change, O.Q. On the island, Oliver injects Slade with the Miracle.
In the Glades, Roy shows the Arrow the picture he took on his phone and doesn’t listen to Ollie’s edict to stay out of it. He says he doesn’t need him and that Arrow can’t stop him, and it leads to my favorite scene of the entire series to-date.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. He SHOOTS HIM, you guys. Roy, you don’t even know the pedigree of bear you decided to poke. No one went to his mom’s party, asshole. *Not* the night to start shit.
Back at the mansion, Moira is having a drink and a smirk when Malcolm decides to reappear to assert his parental right to be a dickhead and ruin his daughter’s life. Moira threatens him with R’as Al Ghul, who is very happy to hear he is alive so he can kill him himself, and tells him to never speak, look at, tweet, IM or FB Thea and to RUN. Malcolm is all-
Ladies and gentlemen, John Fucking Barrowman. He is not done and you know it because he damn well told you so as he walked off-scene, boom mike be damned.
Oliver has gone to meet the thief at the dispensary and questions him about who he is working for and gets a lot of non-responses. He gets mad and starts fighting him, and it leads to an ass-kicking so profound someone is probably out building a temple to it right now. Should have listened to Felicity, dude. Here are some high(low)lights:
Ow, man. He punted you like a nerf football.
Break for a flashback to the island, where Slade dies from the Miracle shot and the island gang are found by Dr. Ivo. Back in Starling City, Oliver is found by Felicity and Diggle, and they note he’s been injected with something. Pupils dilated, pulse barely there. Felicity can’t tell what it is because she can’t get into the dispensary files.
Diggle wants to call 911, but Felicity wants to protect Oliver’s identity as the vigilante. She knows they can’t save him. Cut to the Starling City train dept, where Barry is being Barry and missing his train because of course. And then—
Never change, Barry.
Inspired by mah gurl OzgeB on tv.com and her hilarious photo recaps of Penny Dreadful, I decided to attempt one for Arrow. I can’t promise every ep, just the ones that tickle me because my life is all about amusing myself. Once I started watching “identity”, I knew we had a winner.
First, we open on Ollie doing algebra. Just kidding. No one has time for that. Our hero is doing what he does best. This is already a fine episode, and I mean fine.
He’s all broody and stuff, and the only cure for that is sweat. I dig. However bad he has it is nothing compared to these guys, though.
If anyone ever offered me a job driving a delivery truck in Starling City I would stuff their tongue in my armpit and punch them in the nads. They obviously hate me. As for the name, I named these dudes. They are Marty and Hank. They love each other in a totally platonic way, but they, like most lovers on this show, are about to get dicked over by fate because this is Arrow and bad things happen. A lot.
Roy is still rocking the red hoodie (he’s poor, y’all) trying to impersonate his hero and be a hero not a zero when, once again, fate smacks him in the forehead.
Try again later, buddy. You’re not going to win against this. I mean, look at those luscious locks. She’s like Farah Fawcett. China White’s wig is probably bulletproof and made from baby unicorns.
No way she wasn’t going to slaughter the people and take the things. Roy never stood a chance, but at least he is trying. Ollie is at Verdant, being crushed by ennui and wondering about life while Diggle is coating the entire room in butter with his smooth smooth gaze.
Never change, Diggle.
Thea gets a call that her loser boyfriend got picked up for baby vigilantism again and everyone takes a field trip to save Roy from another painful scene with Laurel. The rest of us are not so lucky, and we have to put up with Roy’s pouting and the least believable lawyer in the history of television.
Thea is like WTF and Roy is like OMG and Laurel is like OMFG Ollie talk to him so Ollie tries the “Hey kid, I’m just like you” line on him except Roy is like, no way asshole, which leads to this bit of awesomeness:
Tee hee, I love Roy’s face here. Ollie tells him that he knows that he feels like the world changed and no one but him noticed and it seems like he is making headway, until the shitty teen in Roy reasserts itself and he seizes on Oliver’s advice that he’ll end up in a hospital to point out that Glades Memorial is a hot mess since the earthquake, with its resources diverted and sold on the black market and no one cares except him. When Ollie smirks faintly at having found his next cause, Roy snarks that nothing makes him mad, which serves as our segue way into another island scene where yes, Oliver ANGRY. OLIVER SMASH.
Yes, yes. These bore me. Moving on. He and Diggle go to the hospital to check it out, and stumble upon a press conference by Alderman Sebastian Blood, who is sick of people putting The Glades in the corner. Glad to see Jesus from True Blood got another gig.
He calls Oliver out in front of the press and although Oliver tries to side with him, he makes him into the enemy right quick, saying that his family made the machine that killed >500 people. Party foul, Jesus-I mean Blood.
Oliver has a sad, and you know this because he buttons his jacket with a pout and gets ready for a strategic retreat, but the mob of like, six people hates him and breaks the window of his car and stuff.
People are assholes, guys.
Oliver retreats to Queen Int., only to find a different sort of heckler. Oliver has decided Felicity’s secret persona should be his assistant, but Felicity is not having it. She worked hard to get where she is, damn it. She’s not going to be Ollie’s “gal Wednesday” just so he doesn’t have to ride the elevator 18 floors down. She follows him from the elevator to his desk, and she manages some quick pokes on the way. Who can blame her?
That last part may have only happened in my mind. As usual, she says the right thing the wrong way and when Oliver points out they need a cover for they way the “spend their nights”, she admits she loves spending her nights with him and has to do a vocal reset. Oliver’s eye roll at Diggle is priceless here. He’s probably exasperated, but in my mind he is mentally hitting it. She doesn’t want his secret identity, Diggle hilariously comments that it is better than his (“black driver”) and then proceeds to mouthfornicate with a piece of chocolate. Bravo, Arrow writers.
In any case Felicity asks if Ollie if he wants coffee so she can tell him she is never getting it for him, and he retaliates by asking her to make reservations for himself, Diggle and Carly, which he can’t do for himself because the internet is all the way over there. Felicity asks Diggle if he has not told Ollie “yet”, and Diggle tells her he hasn’t said anything because Ollie has “a lot on this mind.”
Meanwhile, A local TV anchor uses an 80s pop reference to shame our hero:
Love that song. Call him Mr. Queen if you’re nasty. This predictably launches Oliver into another flashback. He is washing his hands in the river after BLAH BLAH ying yang hero BLAH villain BLAH. Then they bang and I am jealous. I wish there were never any flashbacks.
Felicity tells Oliver about a shipment of opiates leaving in 20 that the motorcycle gang intends to intercept, and he goes to save the day. All goes well until China White pops back up with a shit-eating grin and a scary sidekick, the Bronze Tiger.
This is what he said almost verbatim, you guys. They fight while China White drives off with the truck and like everything else she touches, Laurel arrives with the cops and ruins everything. BT escapes, Oliver is shot in the leg right above his ankle but some over-excitable cop and the whole thing falls apart.
Fuck you, Laurel. Oliver escapes, but it’s close.
Oliver is sewing up his foot and grumbling about how the police got in his way when Diggle brings up that Laurel is currently leading the charge. Ollie breaks and yells that he can’t do good as himself or the vigilante, and Felicity lets him have it. She tells him he isn’t the only one whose romantic life has taken a beating. Diggle and Carly broke up. Diggle is still obsessed with Deadshot, and he couldn’t keep the relationship going. He tells Oliver that he isn’t the only one trying to reconcile two parts of himself and walks out. Oliver turns, chagrined, towards Felicity, but she has had it with him as well, and walks out.
I love that she knows when to put him in his place.
At Verdant, another Queen sibling has hit a limit. Thea tells Roy that she won’t change him, but offers him a choice. Reconnect with her, or two weeks’ severance, because she won’t watch him get hurt or worse. Roy misses the point entirely, because Roy is awful.
Back at Queen, Sebby Blood and Ollie meet and agree to have a benefit to raise awareness and money for Glades Memorial. Ollie asks Felicity to bring them coffee but she alleges the machine was violently broken. Blood apologizes for what happened outside the hospital. Good times.
Flashback: Slade catches Ollie and Shado in the afterglow, and he warns him that Shado is a distraction. Ollie says she is the one thing that doesn’t suck about the island, but he should know by now that this means she’s probably good as dead. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT THE ISLAND.
Because any time he says he doesn’t care about Laurel is a lie, Oliver gets suited up and goes to ask her why she doesn’t believe he is a force for good anymore. Turns out she saw him leave the building after Tommy’s death and thinks he didn’t save him. She promises to see him jailed and unmasked, and his hood looks crushed by tears.
Later on she shows up at the hospital benefit and gets creepy hit-on by Alderman Blood, and Ollie fails to show since the next drug shipment is on its way and he had to pick a cause. Blood uses this opportunity to make him sound like he doesn’t care about the city. It is a PR disaster, Laurel does nothing, and it is interspersed with cuts of Ollie getting dressed and the cops saying they have intel on the hood moving. This needs more pecs.
Laurel doesn’t take the mic and stick up for her friend or do anything because SHE IS THE WORST. Ollie is stuck fighting a three way battle with China White and Bronze Tiger for the meds, but at least the cops are off his tail. They are looking at video feed of the Arrow at their location, but he isn’t there. When they notice the feed is pre-quake, they wonder who could be feeding it to them. Answer?
Diggle is also helping, knocking out a gang member who was going to drive the truck away and evening out the odds for Team Arrow. He fights off China White as he drives away, while Ollie takes his chances in an old storage container with the Bronze Tiger, who is cutting him up fierce. Ollie electrocutes him with an arrow, and proceeds to shoot China White’s crossed arms to a post. He tells Diggle that the police can take the shipment the rest of the the way and China White taunts him, saying that the old Arrow would have killed her by now. She tells him that no matter what he does, they will never see him as a hero, only the villain. This is all meant to be very deep but all I can think about is that poor Diggle has no secret identity. His mask is off and Ollie has been screaming “Diggle” at the top of his lungs the entire time.
Ollie, you dummy.
Later on they watched news coverage of her arrest and Ollie apologized to Diggle for not seeing that his heart had been broken. Diggle said not everything that happened in Starling City was Ollie’s fault. They made sweet eye love until Diggle called things off because his hug sensors were going off. I loved it so much.
DAMN IT THE FEELS.
Just like that. Their bromance gives me life, but I was not done feeling yet. Diggle leaves and Ollie’s attention once again goes to the TV, where Alderman Blood is saying that his no-show demonstrates that he does not care about the city. Ollie’s face here makes me want to slap the Alderman with a raw chicken.
Ollie can’t catch a break….
…and then he does.
You guys. Please. Join me in feeling all the feels.
Just this once, because Felicity ain’t no a hollaback girl.
Later on, Ollie visits Roy in the alley behind the club and asks him to be his eyes and ears in the Glades. He gives a him something between a necklace and a key chain to contact him. Roy promptly goes in and lies to Thea and says he chooses to be with her. Thea’s damage on a scale of 1-10 is a 39, so she takes him back no questions. Roy, you asshole.
BLAH BLAH MORE ISLAND STUFF I DON’T CARE.
Speaking of assholes, Ollie goes back to see Laurel and although an excellent marksman, he is shit at reading people because no means no and when someone threatens you with jail it means she hates you now. Deal with it, dude.
In any case it’s a trap and he falls for it because Laurel is the worst, you guys.
I hate her so much.